Couples Therapy

Couples therapy or relationship counselling recognizes that most people want a positive, fulfilling relationship for themselves and their partners. However, most of us do not have the skills to create the type of relationships that we want. What brings couples together in the first place seems to be forgotten as other aspects of the loved one's personality are seen. Even though these newly observed character traits are not acceptable to us, our need for attachment is greater than our need for a satisfying relationship, so we continue to remain in the relationship in order to fulfil this "greater" need. This leads to adaptive behaviours, to masking feelings of anxiety, frustration, anger, and resentment, and to a general discontentment as we blame the other person for our unhappiness.

As the relationship continues, each person will begin to function on “automatic pilot” assuming the role of mother, father, husband, wife, etc. This includes all of the behaviours and emotions each associates with the particular role that has been adopted. Many couples seek counselling when they recognize that they have been successful in creating the relationship that their parents had, or one or both of them feel the same way they did in their first family. They know how to create these conditions, yet do not know how to foster and encourage a loving relationship where there is unconditional regard for the loved one. If the relationship continues under these conditions, further complicated by children, work pressures and financial commitments, fracture and eruptions occur, leading to break-ups, separation, divorce, and acrimony.

One of the primary goals of couples therapy is to have each person understand what their beliefs, expectations, and unspoken “rules” about the relationship are. What we think in our minds influences our relationships for good or ill perhaps even more than what we say or do, because it is our thoughts which most often give rise to what we say or do. Taking a mindful approach to the relationship by understanding how our thoughts negatively influence our perception of what is going on can help couples see more clearly what their issues and interests actually are.

Couples also learn not to take the other person’s behaviour personally, which leads to better ways of speaking and listening to each other. From a more objective position, they can observe the patterns that affect the relationship in positive and negative ways. In this manner, couples can make intelligent choices regarding the relationship together rather than taking on adversarial roles. A mutual commitment to the improved health and stability of the relationship is another key to success.