Feelings Aren't Facts

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By Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D.

Making decisions based upon our emotions usually leads to less than optimal results. Yet, many of us are in the habit of doing just that. Our emotions mirror our thinking and beliefs, not the other way around. Emotional reasoning assumes that what you feel must be true. And while it's usually helpful to get in touch with your feelings, what you feel may be quite different that what is actually happening. The strength of the feeling creates conviction, but later things may seem different as the emotional storm dies down. When we use emotional reasoning, we believe the automatic thoughts that cause emotional upset and we then try to reason on the basis of our feelings. Thus, emotional reasoning generally distorts and colours reality with a negative brush.

The basic assumption behind emotional reasoning is "Where there's smoke, there's fire." Let's say you're preparing for a job interview. It's natural that you'll be a little "nervous" about a challenging event. If you happen to have gone to several interviews without success, you may be more anxious and nervous than you need to be. In this state of mind, it's easy to fall into emotional reasoning and think along these lines "No one is going to hire me". I am so anxious. I probably am not as competent as I think I am. If I was, why hasn't anyone hired me?" Where there's smoke, there's fire.

The trouble with emotional reasoning is that smoke is not really evidence of fire. If you're scared about a job interview, it's probably because you're scaring yourself with your automatic thoughts. People who allow themselves to be caught up in emotional reasoning can become completely blinded to the difference between feelings and facts.

Most of us don't pay much attention to how we feel or question where our reactions are coming from. We frequently speak as if events or other people "make" us happy, sad, scared, or excited. However, this isn't quite true. It is not the events outside of us that cause our feelings; it is the meaning we give it and our thoughts that us believe that external events "make" us feel glad or sad. Even when it seems as if we were reacting directly to events in our environment, if we look more closely, we can see that it's not that simple. We don't react directly to an event; we react to our interpretation of the event.

Emotional reasoning is also a major cause of procrastination. Procrastination gets in the way of making healthy choices around self-care. "I am so out of shape and I feel so fat. I'll eat this now and start a diet tomorrow." "I won't do it now because I'm waiting for the right moment." When we allow our emotions to determine our motivation, we have it backwards. Our logical brain determines what we need to do and our emotions that resist it. We have to move to action whether we are motivated or not. We feel better about ourselves when we don't put things off.

Another thing that arises from procrastinating about self-care is "shoulding" and guilting ourselves. "I know I should make healthier choices around food." "I know I should exercise and get outdoors more often". Whenever we think about what we "should" be doing, feeling guilty and depressed result. The more you "should" yourself about taking care of your health, the harder it becomes to actually do it. Guilt is not a motivator.

Identifying our automatic thinking usually changes the way we feel and puts us in a much more empowered position to make wise and meaningful decisions. Learning to observe your thoughts gives you the opportunity to recognize the emotional responses you are creating with your interpretation of what is going on. For example, if your teenager is not interested in studying, you can think, "he is never going to finish school. He will be a failure in life" and feel anxious or even angry with him. When you change your appraisal of a situation, your emotional reaction changes.

The following is another example of how our interpretation of a situation affects our feelings. A woman thought she saw her friend on the other side of the street and waved to her. Her friend kept walking and passed by her without responding. She thought to herself, "What have I done? Why is she ignoring me?" and felt hurt and sad. She looked over again and realized that it wasn't her friend at all. Her hurt feelings disappeared and her emotional state was gone.

Most people are in the habit of getting upset because of automatic thoughts. Recognizing the automatic thoughts are creating emotions and observing what we are doing in our mind helps us to change our reactions and create less drama in our lives. When emotional reasoning rules, feelings are mistaken for facts. Emotional reasoning makes stress worse, depression deeper, anxiety higher, and anger hotter.

Give yourself permission to question the validity of your feelings. Our feelings are an important part of our humanity, but when we let them run our lives or assume that they are always logical, we easily become mired in inactivity and depression. Feelings are real, but they are not facts. Practice asking yourself, "What am I thinking that is making me feel so depressed"? What are the beliefs underneath the feeling?

One of the solutions is training the mind to observe itself so that it can consider where the emotions are coming from. Practicing the skill of mindfulness takes time and practice. A skill is an ability acquired by training. As you learn and refine skills, you become more effective, i.e., you are able to maximize positive outcomes and minimize negative outcomes.

Mindfulness, emotional regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and distress tolerance skills will help you maximize your positive outcomes. Instead of reacting automatically without thinking and without skills to a difficult situation, you can learn to practice the smaller, focused skills (like effectively) that make up the major skills (like mindfulness). You can choose to work with reality as it is in the present moment. This approach is more effective than reacting without considering the source of your reaction. Most people do not effectively engage problems, they avoid them. You will be more effective engaging problems if you employ mindfulness skills. Whether you use change skills (interpersonal effectiveness or emotion regulation) or acceptance skills (mindfulness or distress tolerance) you will feel more competent and in control by approaching your problems skillfully. You can learn to be effective by engaging problems through the practice of mindfulness.

Anne Dranitsaris, PhD., is a clinical psychotherapist, corporate therapist, and behavioural change consultant in private practice in Ajax, Ontario. She has more than 25 years experience working with individuals, couples and groups for the treatment of Addiction, Depression and Anxiety, Stress and Anger Management, and Relationship and Family Conflicts.

A frequently published writer and speaker on a broad range of topics on behaviour, Emotional Intelligence and personality styles and their impact in the workplace, Dr. Dranitsaris works with leaders and teams in organizations to help develop Emotional Intelligence, behavioural competence, and relationship skills. She also provides business relationship coaching and counselling for individuals who are experiencing difficulties with their business because of conflict in primary business relationships (partners, leadership groups, boards, etc.). She can be reached at 905.428.1404 or adranitsaris@mindfultherapies.com.


Home: The Centre • Philosophy • Profiles • Contact Us
	Feelings Aren't Facts The Mistake of Emotional Reasoning By Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D. Making decisions based upon our emotions usually leads to less than optimal results. Yet, many of us are in the habit of doing just that. Our emotions mirror our thinking and beliefs, not the other way around. Emotional reasoning assumes that what you feel must be true. And while it's usually helpful to get in touch with your feelings, what you feel may be quite different that what is actually happening. The strength of the feeling creates conviction, but later things may seem different as the emotional storm dies down. When we use emotional reasoning, we believe the automatic thoughts that cause emotional upset and we then try to reason on the basis of our feelings. Thus, emotional reasoning generally distorts and colours reality with a negative brush. The basic assumption behind emotional reasoning is "Where there's smoke, there's fire." Let's say you're preparing for a job interview. It's natural that you'll be a little "nervous" about a challenging event. If you happen to have gone to several interviews without success, you may be more anxious and nervous than you need to be. In this state of mind, it's easy to fall into emotional reasoning and think along these lines "No one is going to hire me". I am so anxious. I probably am not as competent as I think I am. If I was, why hasn't anyone hired me?" Where there's smoke, there's fire. The trouble with emotional reasoning is that smoke is not really evidence of fire. If you're scared about a job interview, it's probably because you're scaring yourself with your automatic thoughts. People who allow themselves to be caught up in emotional reasoning can become completely blinded to the difference between feelings and facts. Most of us don't pay much attention to how we feel or question where our reactions are coming from. We frequently speak as if events or other people "make" us happy, sad, scared, or excited. However, this isn't quite true. It is not the events outside of us that cause our feelings; it is the meaning we give it and our thoughts that us believe that external events "make" us feel glad or sad. Even when it seems as if we were reacting directly to events in our environment, if we look more closely, we can see that it's not that simple. We don't react directly to an event; we react to our interpretation of the event. Emotional reasoning is also a major cause of procrastination. Procrastination gets in the way of making healthy choices around self-care. "I am so out of shape and I feel so fat. I'll eat this now and start a diet tomorrow." "I won't do it now because I'm waiting for the right moment." When we allow our emotions to determine our motivation, we have it backwards. Our logical brain determines what we need to do and our emotions that resist it. We have to move to action whether we are motivated or not. We feel better about ourselves when we don't put things off. Another thing that arises from procrastinating about self-care is "shoulding" and guilting ourselves. "I know I should make healthier choices around food." "I know I should exercise and get outdoors more often". Whenever we think about what we "should" be doing, feeling guilty and depressed result. The more you "should" yourself about taking care of your health, the harder it becomes to actually do it. Guilt is not a motivator. Identifying our automatic thinking usually changes the way we feel and puts us in a much more empowered position to make wise and meaningful decisions. Learning to observe your thoughts gives you the opportunity to recognize the emotional responses you are creating with your interpretation of what is going on. For example, if your teenager is not interested in studying, you can think, "he is never going to finish school. He will be a failure in life" and feel anxious or even angry with him. When you change your appraisal of a situation, your emotional reaction changes. The following is another example of how our interpretation of a situation affects our feelings. A woman thought she saw her friend on the other side of the street and waved to her. Her friend kept walking and passed by her without responding. She thought to herself, "What have I done? Why is she ignoring me?" and felt hurt and sad. She looked over again and realized that it wasn't her friend at all. Her hurt feelings disappeared and her emotional state was gone. Most people are in the habit of getting upset because of automatic thoughts. Recognizing the automatic thoughts are creating emotions and observing what we are doing in our mind helps us to change our reactions and create less drama in our lives. When emotional reasoning rules, feelings are mistaken for facts. Emotional reasoning makes stress worse, depression deeper, anxiety higher, and anger hotter. Give yourself permission to question the validity of your feelings. Our feelings are an important part of our humanity, but when we let them run our lives or assume that they are always logical, we easily become mired in inactivity and depression. Feelings are real, but they are not facts. Practice asking yourself, "What am I thinking that is making me feel so depressed"? What are the beliefs underneath the feeling? One of the solutions is training the mind to observe itself so that it can consider where the emotions are coming from. Practicing the skill of mindfulness takes time and practice. A skill is an ability acquired by training. As you learn and refine skills, you become more effective, i.e., you are able to maximize positive outcomes and minimize negative outcomes. Mindfulness, emotional regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and distress tolerance skills will help you maximize your positive outcomes. Instead of reacting automatically without thinking and without skills to a difficult situation, you can learn to practice the smaller, focused skills (like effectively) that make up the major skills (like mindfulness). You can choose to work with reality as it is in the present moment. This approach is more effective than reacting without considering the source of your reaction. Most people do not effectively engage problems, they avoid them. You will be more effective engaging problems if you employ mindfulness skills. Whether you use change skills (interpersonal effectiveness or emotion regulation) or acceptance skills (mindfulness or distress tolerance) you will feel more competent and in control by approaching your problems skillfully. You can learn to be effective by engaging problems through the practice of mindfulness. Anne Dranitsaris, PhD., is a clinical psychotherapist, corporate therapist, and behavioural change consultant in private practice in Ajax, Ontario. She has more than 25 years experience working with individuals, couples and groups for the treatment of Addiction, Depression and Anxiety, Stress and Anger Management, and Relationship and Family Conflicts. A frequently published writer and speaker on a broad range of topics on behaviour, Emotional Intelligence and personality styles and their impact in the workplace, Dr. Dranitsaris works with leaders and teams in organizations to help develop Emotional Intelligence, behavioural competence, and relationship skills. She also provides business relationship coaching and counselling for individuals who are experiencing difficulties with their business because of conflict in primary business relationships (partners, leadership groups, boards, etc.). She can be reached at 905.428.1404 or adranitsaris@mindfultherapies.com.
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