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I was inspired to write this article because I have recently had a barrage of people from my past return to my life. Often this can happen to remind us of how far we have come in our lives, to allow us to compare where we were before with where we are now, to give us the opportunity to acknowledge our growth and to reflect upon our achievements. However, it's also a great opportunity to take a look at the assumptions we can make about others based upon how we experienced them in the past.
Because our past perceptions can lead to a particular definition of an individual, we can automatically begin to relate to them as though the past is the present. This causes us to make assumptions about who they are, what they are communicating, and how they may behave based on these assumptions. We tend to have pre-existing expectations, which can often prevent us from seeing how far the other person has come in their life, or from allowing ourselves to view his or her communication and behaviour in a new light.
When we bring our pre-defined expectations into the present, whether it's with people, places or situations, we lose the opportunity to see these things as they are. How many times have you thought to yourself, "oh, I know exactly what he or she is going to say because we've had this discussion before", and then formulated your reaction to someone before you have actually listened to what they did say?
Now while some of us do have the intuitive ability to tune into a person's thoughts, most of us are not mind readers. And yet we can act like we are, jumping to conclusions about what someone is going to say, and then reacting as if they have said it and meant it in the way we had imagined it.
Similarly, how many of us will prepare our emotional state or mental attitude for an event well in advance, based on our past experience of similar situations? Here's an example of such an activity: "My family reunion is coming up in a week. I never have a good time at these things. My cousin always drinks excessively and acts foolishly. I'm going to go, make an appearance for as long as I can tolerate it, but I'm not going to stay because I know from past years that I am going to have a lousy time". With this type of thinking, how would a different outcome be possible? The attitude is already set, experiences from the past colouring the present, causing one to be on the lookout for the evidence that will validate the beliefs. Anything that doesn't support the belief will be filtered out, invalidated or minimized as inconsequential. Once our mind is made up about how something will be, it is a powerful and often immovable force to be reckoned with.
There are many ways in which we can bring the past into the present, and we tend to do it so frequently and automatically that this tendency becomes completely seamless to us. We don't even recognize that this is what is going on or how it affects our perceptions. Consider how many times have you began a relationship with a new person, only to feel that you've "known them for years", or bemoaned, "why am I always attracted to the same type of people?" How many times have you been in a new situation and immediately began to apply understanding and activities based on how you behaved in previous "similar" situations, or, alternatively, have become rigid or defensive because you had nothing to draw upon from your past experiences? Our mind has a tendency to attach meaning and draw comparisons so quickly that this process is typically outside of our awareness.
As well, you will often find people repeating certain activities that have been enjoyable or stimulating, and then reacting with disappointment because the expectation was that the repeated experience would be the same as the past experience. The disappointment comes because there is an attachment to recreating certain feelings or sensations rather than seeking out a new experience. Recently, I've had the pleasure of experiencing this phenomenon while discussing the "Twilight" series of books with a number of different people. Those I have talked to have consistently said "the second book wasn't nearly as good as the first book". The first book was full of new characters, new situations and new relationships and created a certain emotional intensity; the expectation for many was that the second book would do the same. The second book did not seem to be viewed for its own merits, and for many, the disappointment of its not having matched the intensity of the original experience led to a less positive view towards it.
While knowing how to act or how to relate to something can provide us with a certain sense of security, it also limits us from seeing what is actually there, and from viewing options and alternatives that may not have been previously considered.
The understanding of the limitations of bringing the past into the present are well documented. In recent times, Sigmund Freud referred to this as the compulsion to repeat, which is simply the concept that we bring memories and activities from the past into the present as a way of dealing and managing emotional pain, rather than risking new, possibly even more painful experiences. Simply put, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. Similarly, Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. (It should be noted that this quote is most often attributed to Einstein, however it is also credited to Benjamin Franklin and others. The actual origins may be untraceable.) More recently, Anthony Robbins said the often quoted "if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten".
Our 20th century masters are simply communicating their version of a universal wisdom that has been
understood for a much greater length of time - that our tendency to live in the past, to recreate it, and to stay with what with familiar, steals from us the fullness and opportunity of the present moment. When we have expectations of what a situation should look like, it eliminates our capacity to be present to what is actually happening right now. When we hold pre-conceived notions of how a person should be, how they should look, or how they should behave, it eliminates our capacity to see them in their fullness as a human being, with all the complexities and frailties this entails. Similarly, if we have pre-defined ideals around how our own lives should look, we will tend to focus more on what is not consistent with those ideals, rather than appreciating what we actually do have or what we have accomplished that may not be consistent with the predefined, idealized plan.
The practice of Mindfulness, which has its roots in traditions that are more than 2000 years old, can help each individual to have greater awareness and capacity to manage their thoughts and reactions to their thoughts. One of the greatest benefits of the Mindfulness practice is to be more present to your life as it unfolds from moment to moment. This means greater awareness of when we may be closing ourselves off to different possibilities or outcomes, based on how we may be assuming that the present is just like the past, or how we may be comparing the present to what has been previously defined as an expectation. Mindfulness can assist us in relaxing into new experiences, rather than bracing against the impact that change may bring.
Old memories, thoughts and preconceived notions can be useful from time to time in helping us to remember our history and who we are and the lessons we've learned. It's most beneficial to us as human beings to accept that the past is the past, because what is past can't be changed, and we can best and most effectively deal with what is happening right now. With Mindfulness, we can learn to manage our limiting thoughts, perceptions and expectations that have originated in our past like we do those "old friends" that resurface in our lives: we can thank them for the visit, wish them well, and send them on their way.
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