Sexuality, Self-Image & The 40+ Woman

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Ask a woman over forty today what she thinks about her sexuality, and you’ll get a mixed bag of responses. Often, sexuality and sex are used interchangeably, but when we talk about sexuality, we are talking about the sense of one’s femaleness, and all that comes with being feminine, including our sexual expression, how we relate to our bodies as females, and our capacity to receive and experience pleasure.

Being a maturing female is not an easy thing in our Western culture. Despite all of the progress women have made in terms of freedom of choices and opportunities, there persists an underlying message from the world around us that continues to support the notion that youth, fertility and physical beauty define a woman’s value, and that once those things are no longer present, our value is significantly diminished or even eliminated.

So where does that leave women who are now maturing in life, past this “ideal” age of physical reproduction, who have been taught from early in life that their value as a female is defined outside themselves, by what our culture supports? How do we feel about our femininity, our bodies, and our capacity to experience pleasure through them?

Unconsciously, we ourselves support and sustain the very system that would limit us. We internalize messages about our body, our value, and our sexuality from infancy. Sources of these include our family of origin, the educational and religious institutions we attend, our friends, and the powerful print and broadcast media that is so pervasive to our everyday experience. Most often, we don’t stop to question the validity of those messages that come from without, and we adopt them into our thinking process unquestioned, where the messages can play thousands, if not millions, of times over the course of our lifetime, both consciously and unconsciously, setting up systems of beliefs and behaviours that support those beliefs. We literally begin to live as if these messages are the truth. They extend into our language and how we communicate, and ultimately how we relate to ourselves, others and the people in our world.

A great example of this can be seen in any lunch room in any office in North America. Find a group of women sitting together and very often the topic of conversation will be directed towards the regulation of food, the negative focus on the body and the discussion of which parts of our body cause the most grief. Women are literally bonding with each other over shared negative self-talk, which reflects a way of thinking that sustains alienation from the body and from the integration of the self. And we condone this behaviour by participating in it.

To understand the larger impact of these negative belief systems, we simply need to look at the statistics from the diet and anti-aging industry, both of which support the retention of the “ideal” age period. The diet industry in the US is worth an estimated $40-50 billion with a 95 to 98% failure rate within 5 years. The anti-aging product industry in the US was estimated to be a $14 billion industry in 2008 with a bullet, and a 2006 article in Businessweek suggests that anti-aging medicine is likely to become a $79 billion industry by this year end.

The negative messages we hear externally only impact us to the degree that we internalize them, and truly do damage when they become included in the messages we say to ourselves about ourselves. It is true that we will say terrible things to ourselves in our own minds that we would never say to anyone else. This propaganda against the self that we allow to go on for years without question can devastate our self-esteem, and distort our image of ourselves to the point where we see our bodies as being the enemy: out-of-control, untrustworthy, having appetites and impulses that need to be feared and therefore contained. We can look at ourselves as a series of separate parts, rather than an integrated whole. We then focus on those things that we define as “wrong” with us, and they get the majority of our attention, rather than the 99.9% of things that do function well within us. And we can live for years alienated from the one person with whom we have a life-long, profound relationship: ourselves.

So how do we find pleasure within ourselves, when we have spent so many years in self-deprecation, and self-hatred, trying to live up to standards and expectations that are defined outside of ourselves?

One step is first, to recognize the fact that the propaganda against yourself is simply that. The thoughts we may think about our body are just thoughts, not the truth, and therefore, we can question them and refute them.

What I have come to understand is what we disown, we don’t own. In reference to the power of our sexuality as women, what this means is that if we are constantly resisting and fighting against the natural cycles of our lives, meaning, if we are constantly striving to stay young, and to maintain the value in our looks as defined by the outer world, we never really possess the power and creativity that comes with allowing the natural cycle of life to happen. Women pass from the “maiden”, to the “mother”, to the “crone” stage, and while the last of these titles may be less than desirable, (perhaps we need to rethink the label), the power of the crone phase is unparalleled with any other time in our lives. When the power to create and produce within our body, in the physical, literal sense, diminishes, the power to create and produce in the outer world expands exponentially. When we embrace the age of our lives, maturing women have almost limitless capacity to be productive and to influence the world around them, whether its through business, politics, community or family. A clear example of this creativity is seen in the business arena. According to the Prime Minister’s Task Force Report on Women Entrepreneurs (2003), containing information provided by Statistics Canada, women entrepreneurs are the fastest growing segment in the economy, and the likelihood of self-employment in women increases with age, with most being between the ages of 35 and 54.

But beyond that, as maturing female human beings, we have an incredible capacity to experience life through our bodies, including our ability to experience sexual and sensual pleasure, particularly if we can be present to our experiences rather than being lost in negative thinking or worries that can often get in the way of our being able to inhabit our bodies fully. The confidence that comes with experience, of knowing oneself and being comfortable in one’s own skin is our legacy and our right; we only need to be open to looking within to find what is truly valuable and meaningful for us, and to let go of old patterns of thoughts that keep is limited, controlled, afraid of our bodies and their natural functions, and alienated from ourselves.

To begin the process, we need to become aware of the painful and limiting thoughts that are present, how often they are present, and how they affect us. We need to begin to look within ourselves to find our own value, and to question the validity of those destructive thoughts once we become aware of them. This will enable us to change the nature of our relationship with ourselves, so that we can let go of these beliefs and replace them with new, supportive and nurturing messages instead, so that we can begin to mend the bridge between our minds and our bodies, to establish trust and integration, rather than mistrust and alienation.

We can begin this process through the use of Mindfulness meditation techniques that allow us to develop a greater present moment awareness, including awareness of our body, our sensations, our feelings and our thoughts. Use of Mindfulness techniques enables us to develop a relationship of trust with our bodies, and to expand our awareness of what is present at any given time, so we can work with whatever comes up, developing greater self-awareness, flexibility of mind and openness to experience. It also expands our capacity to experience our emotions and sensations, by developing tolerance, acceptance and non-resistance to those experiences.

In addition to Mindfulness meditation, other practices and activities that teach internal focus and the joy of the body include gentle Hatha yoga and Nia. Contact our office for more information at 905 428-1404.


Home: The Centre • Philosophy • Profiles • Contact Us
	*Sexuality, Self-Image and the 40+ Woman* Ask a woman over forty today what she thinks about her sexuality, and you’ll get a mixed bag of responses. Often, sexuality and sex are used interchangeably, but when we talk about sexuality, we are talking about the sense of one’s femaleness, and all that comes with being feminine, including our sexual expression, how we relate to our bodies as females, and our capacity to receive and experience pleasure. Being a maturing female is not an easy thing in our Western culture. Despite all of the progress women have made in terms of freedom of choices and opportunities, there persists an underlying message from the world around us that continues to support the notion that youth, fertility and physical beauty define a woman’s value, and that once those things are no longer present, our value is significantly diminished or even eliminated. So where does that leave women who are now maturing in life, past this “ideal” age of physical reproduction, who have been taught from early in life that their value as a female is defined outside themselves, by what our culture supports? How do we feel about our femininity, our bodies, and our capacity to experience pleasure through them? Unconsciously, we ourselves support and sustain the very system that would limit us. We internalize messages about our body, our value, and our sexuality from infancy. Sources of these include our family of origin, the educational and religious institutions we attend, our friends, and the powerful print and broadcast media that is so pervasive to our everyday experience. Most often, we don’t stop to question the validity of those messages that come from without, and we adopt them into our thinking process unquestioned, where the messages can play thousands, if not millions, of times over the course of our lifetime, both consciously and unconsciously, setting up systems of beliefs and behaviours that support those beliefs. We literally begin to live as if these messages are the truth. They extend into our language and how we communicate, and ultimately how we relate to ourselves, others and the people in our world. A great example of this can be seen in any lunch room in any office in North America. Find a group of women sitting together and very often the topic of conversation will be directed towards the regulation of food, the negative focus on the body and the discussion of which parts of our body cause the most grief. Women are literally bonding with each other over shared negative self-talk, which reflects a way of thinking that sustains alienation from the body and from the integration of the self. And we condone this behaviour by participating in it. To understand the larger impact of these negative belief systems, we simply need to look at the statistics from the diet and anti-aging industry, both of which support the retention of the “ideal” age period. The diet industry in the US is worth an estimated $40-50 billion with a 95 to 98% failure rate within 5 years. The anti-aging product industry in the US was estimated to be a $14 billion industry in 2008 with a bullet, and a 2006 article in Businessweek suggests that anti-aging medicine is likely to become a $79 billion industry by this year end. The negative messages we hear externally only impact us to the degree that we internalize them, and truly do damage when they become included in the messages we say to ourselves about ourselves. It is true that we will say terrible things to ourselves in our own minds that we would never say to anyone else. This propaganda against the self that we allow to go on for years without question can devastate our self-esteem, and distort our image of ourselves to the point where we see our bodies as being the enemy: out-of-control, untrustworthy, having appetites and impulses that need to be feared and therefore contained. We can look at ourselves as a series of separate parts, rather than an integrated whole. We then focus on those things that we define as “wrong” with us, and they get the majority of our attention, rather than the 99.9% of things that do function well within us. And we can live for years alienated from the one person with whom we have a life-long, profound relationship: ourselves. So how do we find pleasure within ourselves, when we have spent so many years in self-deprecation, and self-hatred, trying to live up to standards and expectations that are defined outside of ourselves? One step is first, to recognize the fact that the propaganda against yourself is simply that. The thoughts we may think about our body are just thoughts, not the truth, and therefore, we can question them and refute them. What I have come to understand is what we disown, we don’t own. In reference to the power of our sexuality as women, what this means is that if we are constantly resisting and fighting against the natural cycles of our lives, meaning, if we are constantly striving to stay young, and to maintain the value in our looks as defined by the outer world, we never really possess the power and creativity that comes with allowing the natural cycle of life to happen. Women pass from the “maiden”, to the “mother”, to the “crone” stage, and while the last of these titles may be less than desirable, (perhaps we need to rethink the label), the power of the crone phase is unparalleled with any other time in our lives. When the power to create and produce within our body, in the physical, literal sense, diminishes, the power to create and produce in the outer world expands exponentially. When we embrace the age of our lives, maturing women have almost limitless capacity to be productive and to influence the world around them, whether its through business, politics, community or family. A clear example of this creativity is seen in the business arena. According to the Prime Minister’s Task Force Report on Women Entrepreneurs (2003), containing information provided by Statistics Canada, women entrepreneurs are the fastest growing segment in the economy, and the likelihood of self-employment in women increases with age, with most being between the ages of 35 and 54. But beyond that, as maturing female human beings, we have an incredible capacity to experience life through our bodies, including our ability to experience sexual and sensual pleasure, particularly if we can be present to our experiences rather than being lost in negative thinking or worries that can often get in the way of our being able to inhabit our bodies fully. The confidence that comes with experience, of knowing oneself and being comfortable in one’s own skin is our legacy and our right; we only need to be open to looking within to find what is truly valuable and meaningful for us, and to let go of old patterns of thoughts that keep is limited, controlled, afraid of our bodies and their natural functions, and alienated from ourselves. To begin the process, we need to become aware of the painful and limiting thoughts that are present, how often they are present, and how they affect us. We need to begin to look within ourselves to find our own value, and to question the validity of those destructive thoughts once we become aware of them. This will enable us to change the nature of our relationship with ourselves, so that we can let go of these beliefs and replace them with new, supportive and nurturing messages instead, so that we can begin to mend the bridge between our minds and our bodies, to establish trust and integration, rather than mistrust and alienation. We can begin this process through the use of Mindfulness meditation techniques that allow us to develop a greater present moment awareness, including awareness of our body, our sensations, our feelings and our thoughts. Use of Mindfulness techniques enables us to develop a relationship of trust with our bodies, and to expand our awareness of what is present at any given time, so we can work with whatever comes up, developing greater self-awareness, flexibility of mind and openness to experience. It also expands our capacity to experience our emotions and sensations, by developing tolerance, acceptance and non-resistance to those experiences. In addition to Mindfulness meditation, other practices and activities that teach internal focus and the joy of the body include gentle Hatha yoga and Nia. Contact our office for more information at 905 428-1404.
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Sexuality, Self-Image and the 40+ Woman